Some people seem to be deliberately deaf to hints. Their special approach to the game slowly alienates friends and guildies alike, but they continue to plough their unappealing furrow. The only difference, remember, between a rut and a grave is depth. For one last time, for the sake of my sanity and others around me, I will try to make some earnest suggestions.

This is the mini-map. It’s in the top right hand corner of your screen. It’s a very valuable feature of the default Blizzard UI. It’s on the screen all the time and it’s centred right on you. It also has an indicator with a pointy end and rounded end. The pointy end points the way your character is facing. Using this UI object you can navigate, it will help you find team mates who have inconsiderately wandered out of your line of sight during one of your many announced, or unannounced, AFK moments. If they are further away than the circle of in-game environment that the mini-map shows then you can refer to the full sized map (default key for the Map is ‘M‘). This is how players avoid getting lost and, if they are separated from friends and team mates, can find their own way back.

If you are constantly getting lost, not setting out with flying mount or via a flight point to an in game location, claim all you like that it is because you will get lost. We all know it’s because you’re lazy. If you ask for help with dungeon quests and then argue with people, who all know better than you, that you cannot complete heroic dungeon quests at mythic difficulty with no keystone, then the very least you can do is track your own quest objectives. Don’t wait until the very end of the dungeon and force people to ask “Did you complete your quest?” “No.” “Why not? What are you missing?” “I don’t know.” It’s your quest, it’s the reason we came here with you, how can you not know? “Link the quest in party chat,”…so that we can look at the objectives for you and work out what you missed.

Then when we hand hold you out of the back door of the instance the idea is to follow us out of the cave to a point where we can all mount to fly back to the entrance. What did you think we were going to do? Magically pull the quest objective out of one of our arses so you suddenly WIN without doing anything? Then when we fly back to where you are, see you mount up and start flying with us, don’t get half way there and get bored and stop looking at map/mini-map and fly in exactly the opposite direction and then snap “Where did you go!” like it’s our fault you are ‘lost’ again.

Don’t ask us to Mythic+ with you either. A high level key can be hard enough in several dungeons, especially with some of the additional mechanics, without having to carry someone who can’t make their way to the dungeon, has to be summoned, can get lost between the summoning stone and the dungeon entrance and if they die cannot run back to the group from the start of the instance. If four of us get in, without at least one waiting to hand hold you inside someone will have to come out. Once inside, you make no effort not to stand in the fire, refuse to follow even rudimentary tactics. “Tactics! Oh fuck off. C’mon on.” Even if we’re wiping repeatedly to the same mechanic. It is not endearing to be constantly cackling “Balls of evil! Balls of evil!” Like most things in life it was funny the first time, second time less so. Now, that horse you’re flogging is not so much dead as completely decomposed.

Still we can look forward to the inevitable early bath. After one or maybe two excruciating, toe-curlingly frustrating dungeons we all know you’ll be too pissed to carry on. We then have to repeatedly explain, well pretty much everything, two or three times as you are not listening. Sometimes even though each of us has tried to explain, repeatedly, that you cannot be replaced you are still whining insistently that someone, who is actually in another group, in another dungeon, take your place. Despite their protests, you continue to encourage: “Oh c’mon!” or “Fuck you!”, they still decline, but you still tell your team to kick you and get your already occupied replacement in. Like completing heroic dungeons quests on mythic (without keystone) difficulty you also don’t seem to realise that no one can join a mythic+ run in progress. You cannot just leave and have your team carry on without you…especially if you’re the healer.

Battlegrounds (BGs) reveal more starkly your attitude to the game in general: “Help me I am getting attacked.” Yes you are, we all are, all of the time. A more dynamic role, involving, say, moving from one location to another, would leave you lost and riding blithely into the Stables in Arathi Basin…which is rarely not controlled by the Alliance, as it’s right next to their starting point and graveyard. So you’re the self appointed guardian of the Farm. You have to ride down the hill…and then camp. For the entire duration of the BG. In all BGs there’s the inevitable voice chatter “Incoming at Farm,” “Incoming at Farm,” “INCOMING AT FARM!” “I am dead where were you?” communicating that we’re clearly expected to answer every call and keep you alive at all costs. However, PvP is not an heroic raid, independence and the ability to use your own initiative is essential. In other Battlegrounds, that lack the simplicity of Farm camping, we get “Where are you? I am getting killed. I have died again. OMG! I am getting attacked in the graveyard, this is not fair. I’m dead again! Where are you? Help!”

This blog is testament to the fact that I’m not the biggest fan of PvP. I prefer raids and dungeons, my absolute favourite in game events are 5 man Mythic+ runs. Raiding has always been a long second to classic 5 mans like Stratholme, Blackrock Depths and Shadow Labyrinth. If anyone actually listens to anything I say they will also know that I do not hate PvP, as some do, with a passion. Top of my Christmas List of online malarkey ever year is Arathi Basin, my absolute all time favourite BG and Battle for Gilneas, now my second favourite. Alterac Valley is all riding…riding, riding. Warsong Gulch et al are the capture the flag gank fests. I hate capture the flag, like many, many other players I simple gave up, walked away, never came back, quit on the meta achievement for whatever that dragon was due to School of Hard Knocks. Look it up under achievements. Broke me. But since 2006, at Christmas you will usually find me doing some PvP with guildies, usually in Arathi Basin, usually camping “Fleety’s Farm“…like a lazy cun  git

If you ask for help with your heroic dungeon quests and then argue with people that you cannot complete heroic dungeon quests at mythic+0, we’re going to know you’re an idiot. We all know you don’t know anything about PvP, so if I’m excluding two from our list of random battlegrounds don’t tell me the last one we were in was Arathi Basin. “No. Arathi Basin is the one with the Lumber Mill, Blacksmiths, Gold Mine…and Farm.”, “No.” No, of course it isn’t Arathi Basin is a capture the flag battleground that looks suspiciously like Twin Peaks. Don’t make me raise my voice and slap you down again!

So shortly after this you’re going to pop up with another, perfectly reasonable excuse not to carry on. I predicted four minutes, but it was barely one. It’s just as well as you are starting to slur your words and disagree with people as you clearly have no idea what they are talking about, often when they aren’t actually talking to you. It’s not that your “explanation” for leaving can’t be genuine. It’s that the circumstances that trigger you leaving are always the same and you always have a perfectly reasonable explanation. Every time?

Sometimes being the huntard in-game can be funny. Sadly it’s a joke with limited life. When it starts to creep out of the game into your real life…that’s just not funny at all.